Better Late Than Never

Well, here I am at 2 in the morning on the night before our weekly homeschool group. Tomorrow shall be pleasant. Or blurry. All I know is, we have to buy a pack of sugar-free gum for Garrison's friend and insert eight pages somewhere in Eilean's binder. There are some other things that have to get done, too, but they will surely present themselves in the form of loud verbal requests in the five seconds before we have to go. Forgive my frustration. I am really sleepy on account of I actually miss my husband, who happens to be gone on some work-related conference thing.

On a funny note, today was the day that I sang out the Latin conjugations in the van on the way home from something. Presently, Garrison began making this odd choking, gagging sound, which of course always makes a mom whip her head completely around. He said he was fine, but that he was trying not to laugh at my singing. I guess that's good. I mean, he could have been sinking into his seat with embarrassment, knowing that I am his mother. But instead, it's just hilarious to him that I can't sing. Well, good. Now off to sleep? Maybe?

A Double Sink and a Single Bite

There are a lot of things that happen around here, and illness seems to be the most popular. We have just gotten past a bit of chicken pox. Well, maybe. It will probably show up on someone else soon, since there's that two-week incubation period. But even with that possibility, I'm not breaking a sweat.

And then there's Linus. My sweet, content, joyful three-year-old, who just cannot keep from having SOMETHING icky going on. He had a huge bug bite on his ankle. No problem. I kept an eye on it, because, as stated above, chicken pox. This thing got big and bubbly. Then later the next day, his ankle was swollen and purple, like he had sprained it.

Now, realize, there are a lot of things going on in our house. It is Memorial Day weekend. We stayed home from church because, duh, chicken pox. Also, John decided this was the weekend to put in a new bathroom sink. A double sink, so as to lessen the amount of elbowing and shoving that occurs daily and nightly. He had just smilingly reported to me that, after days of hard work, he would be done in ten minutes! And we could try out the new sink, hooray! But that is of course when I discovered the purpleness of the kid's ankle. And also, the kid couldn't walk so well. So, ten minutes from the end of his big project, John was driving our little guy to the ER. Linus got some shots in a very unpleasant place; he has a bacterial infection and is on antibiotics. Our little sweetie. This is (I think) his fifth trip to the ER. And hey! New bathroom sink is up and running!

Mother's Day

Well, Happy Late Mother's Day to all of y'all. My kids gave me some lovely gifts including: Earl Grey Tea, a pizza baking stone, pizza cutter, pizza pan (do they want me to make pizza?), an aloe vera plant, some Belgian chocolate truffles, and some nice dark Venezuelan chocolate. Yum. Also, I got to have donuts and coffee for lunch. And John grilled burgers for dinner. It was a nice day... there was no snot, fevers, or throw-up... and to top it all off, baby Loucie took off walking for really the first time! She had been doing one, two, three... boom! for weeks, but her Mother's Day gift was to walk for real.

Let me know how your day went!

So, you want to have more than two kids?

This is an exercise in motherhood, for those who are considering the profession.

You will need the following for your training:

-a friend, or possibly two, who can follow directions to re-enact this typical day in parenting

-a hamster ball

-a motorized, battery-operated car

-several opened boxes of cereal, crackers, etc.

-Fig Newtons

-something sharp and dangerous, perhaps a mirror shard, or broken CD case

-kettlebell, or some other weighty object, like a pillowcase full of rocks

Scene 1

Child A: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Child B: I'm hungry. I want my candy. I want my candy. I WANT MY CANDY!

Mom: (ignoring A, speaking to B) I can tell that you need to go potty, let's go together now, it'll be fun!

Child B: (dancing vivaciously) I don't have to go POTTY! I have to EAT CANDY! No! No! No!

Mom: Let's go now.

Mom picks up Child B under the armpits, which results in a slip-through (see Notes for the Actor, below). Mom then attempts to pick up B again and carry B into the bathroom. An important wardrobe note for this scene: Mom is dressed in pajamas and has some cereal crumbs stuck to the soles of her feet.

Child A: Mommy! Mommy!

Mom: What?!?

Child A: Look at what I drew! (shoves drawing into Mom's face) Look: this is what I dreamed about last night. This is you, only you don't look like yourself because you have hooves and you are wearing this green striped shirt that looks almost exactly like the one you have except this one in my dream has no sleeves, and here is the grass which was really funny since it's orange. I don't know why it's orange, but it is. This is the magical rainbow horse who can talk, but I can't remember what she said right now. Let me think...

Mom: (catching her reflection) I have hooves...

Child B: I don't want to go potty! I don't want to go potty! (loosed from Mom's grasp, B runs into bedroom and is completely silent)

Mom: Where are you?!? (nearly trips over Child A, who is still waving the drawing around and chattering about it)

It is now time for stagehands to release the toddler and crawling infant (which are the kettlebell for Mom to pick up in one hand, without even really noticing that she has done so, and the battery-operated car inside the hamster ball. Both of these need to be in the bathroom, followed by Child B, who suddenly needs attention again.)

Child B: Uhh... Mom?

Mom: What?!?

Child B: I had an accident.

Mom: (sighs, puts down heavy object) All right, let's get you cleaned up.

Child B: I love you, Mommy.

(Use the Fig Newtons here to simulate cleaning up of a big mess. It must get under the fingernails to be completely authentic. Sound of sobbing coming from off-stage, this is Child A, upset about being ignored. Hamster ball is no longer in the bathroom, possibly not even in the house.)

Mom: I love you, too, sweetie. (steps onto sharp object)

End Scene

Notes for the Actor:

Wardrobe for "Mom" can include anything comfortable, such as pajamas, or anything appropriate for cleaning, but not good enough to wear out of the house. Also, her hairstyle must be such that a glimpse in the mirror makes her want to cry.

A "slip-through" can be accomplished mainly by anyone under the age of 8, but can be simulated by an adult if done properly. First, you must care nothing about what will happen to your body, because it will drop to the floor, and you must take off running immediately. To achieve it, go completely boneless once you have been grabbed under your armpits, drop, and run. Simple, elegant, liquid.

Birthday Girl

From April 10, 2010

Here is what it looks like to turn the big "1" at Steak 'n Shake:

Also, this, once the birthday hat is on:

And then, of course, the joyful party-goers:

There were others there, too, but they didn't look as interesting. All in all, it was a good day to turn one. Right, Loucie?

The *New* Plan to Good Health

Well, it's that time of year. Spring cleaning. I'm hoping to have guests this weekend, so the push for it has been hard. The only problem is, I'm living in opposite-ville. Eat more fruits and vegetables and get more exercise and what happens to me? I feel less healthy than before. Let the kids run around outside and get all that fresh air and what happens? They stay up two hours later than usual. Hmm... I'm thinking now, if I eat Pop-Tarts all day tomorrow and do absolutely nothing, my house will clean itself and I will feel fantastic!

Spirited Away

I do have a spirited child, in spite of what outsiders may tell me to my face. Why else would I have had my big toenail kicked off in Menards' parking lot? Is there a good practical reason to tear apart the fabric cover to my son's car seat, remove the piping, and then stitch it back up by hand? Not that I'm bitter. I'm not. I'm just saying this particular child is difficult. And tonight's adventure was the culmination of probably four years of toilet fear, building up and bubbling over until we all lost it. I've been making my six (almost seven) year-old son flush the toilet after he's used it. This, I have imagined, goes as follows in other, normal households:

Mom: Flush the toilet.

Kid: Oh yeah, I forgot!

(the sound of flushing)

In our house, it normally goes like this, but I will add tonight's extra special drama, because it is so noteworthy that I laughed through it.

Mom: Flush the toilet.

Kid: I don't want to! You do it!

Mom: Flush it.

Kid: It's going to overflow! You do it! Pleeeeease!!! I don't want to! I don't want to! (running naked out the door)

Mom: (wrestling the naked child back into the bathroom) You are six years old. Do not be afraid of the toilet. A toilet is created by a person. I can stop it from overflowing! I'm right here, here is the plunger (indicating with a nod of the head), I have the ability to stop it from overflowing!

Kid: (screaming crazily) Don't make me do it! This is the scariest thing I've ever had to do!!! I hate it! I hate it!

Mom: Why are you so afraid? What's the worst that could happen? I'll tell you the worst: the toilet could overflow. There will be a mess for me to clean up off the floor, and I'll have to plunge the toilet. Not a big deal. I can stop the water from flowing. I can shut off the water valve. It's NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!

Kid: (screaming, crying) Don't make me do it! Don't make me do it!

Mom: (holding child's hand on the handle, almost ready to flush) WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER!

Kid: DADDY! DADDY!

*it must be noted at this point that Daddy is not home

You're not my Mom! You're the worst Mom in the world for making me do this! Daddy is the best! He's my Daddy AND my Mommy now! You're not my Mommy anymore!!!

*FLUSH*

(high-pitched screaming from not just this one child, but the toddler in the bathtub watching this whole thing and also the baby who had JUST FALLEN ASLEEP)

Sigh.

Seriously? The toilet? It's a good thing this was all hilarious, and there was no blood involved.

I wonder what everyday object will challenge us tomorrow...

In other news, I'm supposed to bake two dozen cookies for a meeting of a group for which I am an officer, but cannot show up to. Did that make sense? We are heading to St. Louis for a week while John attends a librarian conference. I'm trying to play catch-up on all the stuff that needs to get done in order to go and to be gone. Sleep should be on the list, but it's not. Oh, dang! We need trash bags! Gotta go!

Thanks to Home Alone, my son has a new vocabulary word

Last night, as I was helping Linus out of the bath, I was experiencing micro heart attacks from his relentless jumping. You know what I mean, the child is dripping from head to toe, slamming his heels in his own puddles, lock-kneed, ready to just land on that fat dimply bottom. And I'm there telling him, "Let me dry you off, the floor is wet, you're going to fall." To which he is simultaneously jumping and answering LOUDLY, "No. No, it isn't! No, I'm not!" And the second that towel was out of his way, he shook his dimply bottom, dropped one shoulder, cocked his head to one side and said, "I'm a little jerk." Emphasis on the "jerk," which he said in a slower, deeper voice, complete with the toddler standard mispronounced "r." He promptly ran naked throughout the house on what we now call the Linus circuit. If he's naked, he runs until he is forced into some clothing. No surface is safe, really, so don't take his clothes off unless you plan to bathe him. It was easy to find him last night since he kept saying, "I'm a little jerk."

Today, John pointed at Linus and told me we will have to lock the car keys in the safe every night. I laughed. He said, "It's not funny."

Is it possible that EVERY MONDAY MORNING has to be a homeschooling NIGHTMARE?!?!

My six-year-old boy is giving me an ulcer, I swear. The amount of energy he uses to question my authority on whether or not I should put the 3 + 4 = 7 flash card back into the deck is exhausting! Sorry for the Debbie Downers, everyone, but I just saved my husband yet another Monday email stating, "I quit."

In other news, everyone is still in their pajamas. 11 am.

My girl and my new* boy

Well, Eilean did well at her competition. It was quite spread out over 3 days, and we did the trek with Grandma and Grandpa most events. Although, I must say, I'm really sad I skipped out on her first event, which was her compulsory. She won first place. I missed it. But Daddy and Grandpa didn't, and that is such a great thing for her.

The past two days have been the Hearts at Home conference here. So much just went into my brain, and so much spiritual food went into me, that it may take months to digest it all. Will be writing about it soon. Right now, I'm distended.

During the conference, a young man from Uganda came upon the mainstage and made a plea to all of us emotional mothers for Compassion International. Well, the packets came around, and let me tell you, I was sitting there, not paying much attention to the rest of that morning session just waiting and waiting to see the face of the child that I KNEW would be right for my family. I have wanted to adopt a boy from Africa for about 6 years now, I don't know exactly why, but my heart has a deep connection with children I have never met. Anyway, *this is nothing at all like adoption, just a small monetary donation every month to contribute to his education and well-being. I brought home the packet for John to "think about." He gave me the go-ahead today, and I was overjoyed. I don't think John feels the same way I do, and I don't want to press him to toss money about to this and that organization. This is the first time that we have, as a married couple, contributed to anything more worthy than the cause of Girl Scouting. But I do think that over time, he will if not agree with me about helping others around the world, he will come to see my feelings for these children.

Awake!

Viral pharyngitis. John. Eilean. Linus. Eilean has a figure skating competition in less than one week. BLAH! Plus, we are planning to visit the new baby in the family at that time... we'll see if everyone's over the plague.

Also, I've been sitting here since about 3 am eating Milano cookies. Better get some sleep.

Sewing Fiend

Eilean has a big figure skating competition coming up at the end of February, so I have costumes to make. She is doing a solo to a Disney Fairies song, and really wants to look like Rani, so I'm working on that one. We faced the disappointment of no light blue two-way stretch fabric and had to settle for white. But she seems to be happy... I hope it turns out nicely for her. She is also doing a program to "Walk Like an Egyptian," which is just the highlight of her life at the moment due to all the cool arm movements :) She would like to pop out of an upright sarcophagus holding a crook and flail in crossed arms, but I believe that a portable cardboard pyramid will grace the ice instead.

Linus has been simply adorable lately, making up for his older brother's continual PMS-ish behavior. Really. Garrison has not been able to control his emotions at all. But it is only a stage, and it gets worse before it gets better, so they say. I don't know HOW MANY TIMES it will get worse followed by better, but I'm going to guess...... seventy times seven. Or something like that.

Loucette is now moving from belly or back to sitting position. She hit that cool milestone just this morning. She has also been pulling up and cruising along the couch, so it won't be long before she lets go. On Sunday, we discovered her first tooth. She's a go-getter, for sure.

John is working, working, working. And serving on committees. And being an all-around great daddy. And killing spiders, shoveling snow, repairing things around the house, replacing batteries, fixing "problems" that I have with the computer, etc. At least once a week one of us says to the other, "Remember when we went to Seattle? Let's do that again," meaning, "NOW!" (Our trip was only a year ago, for our tenth anniversary. Technically, it was our first honeymoon. And the first time we spent more than a few days away from the kids. We did next to nothing. It was amazing.)

And now, back to creating a fairy skating costume.

*sigh*

Oh, look. I started this blog and then forgot about it. Let's see how long it is before the next post.